The NeverEnding Story: The Original Dark Souls: The NeverEnding Souls Meme

   

      It's been quite a while since I posted on my own sites, and even longer since I made any kind of memes.  Well, I've been on a Dark Souls kick recently, and going over old movies for reference material for a project I've been working on.  In doing so I came across a long-time favorite film from my childhood- The NeverEnding Story.

     In re-watching the film I realized that Dark Souls has a LOT in common, and a lot of parallels with the film (and I suppose the book it's based on).  I mean, right off the bat, Fantasia is being destroyed by an infection of darkness called The Nothing- whereas Lordran is being devoured by consuming dark called The Abyss.  There's the great wolf Gmork and the great wolf Sif, and so on.  There's the multiple gates on the way to finding a way to solve the problem besetting the land. I'm genuinely curious to know if Hidetaka Miyazaki has ever seen this and unconsciously drew any inspiration from the film.

     I'd actually like to recommend people just watch the film again anyways, due to the tremendously meta work of the story itself- and in even more surprising recommendations, I recall the book being less impressive than the film- which is quite rare for me to say.  Anyways, I laughed watching this scene and picturing this exact moment as if I were playing the game and experiencing it like this.

     Have a laugh and enjoy.  #NeverEndingSouls

Pokemon Go + Boondock Saints: Where You Going Eevee? NOWHERE!!!

     As many people have already experienced, there's an overabundance of bugs and problems with Pokemon Go.  Servers crashing, loss of game data, among other things.  It's still fun, but alas- I couldn't help making this meme combining Pokemon Go with one of the best moments from The Boondock Saints.  Maybe I'll call it the Pokemon Saints?  I'll keep it in mind if I can think of better memes for this combination.

   This is how I feel the game is going right now.  It comes to a grinding halt consistently, crashing almost exclusively when a rare pokemon appears.  I've grown quite irritated by the inexplicable loss of pokeballs after a crash with the rare pokemons as well.  Sure, Niantic will definitely fix many of the issues, but it just feels like they rushed the game to an early release for the summer months.

     When this game gets back on the right track, it'll crush it for a very long time to come.

     Good lord, I looked back for old Pokemon meme's I made, and it's been nearly 5 years.  FIVE YEARS!  Here's the link if you're curious and want to see them- [ Pokememes ]

Dark Souls 3: My Exp for the First Week: Boss Meme!

     Over the course of the first week of playing Dark Souls 3, I was taken by the new touch of not having a fog gate for the first time you encounter a boss to be a welcome surprise, albeit a frustrating one as well.  Stumbling into a major battle with no supplies is tantamount to instant doom for players fighting a boss for the first time.

     So, to celebrate this nice new feature, I made a Dark Souls meme about it:

     And if you like, here 2 old ones I made, "Shut up and take my souls!" and "Oh look, MORE Cracked Blue Eye Orb!"  Nothing special, just quick things thrown out for fun.  Enjoy.

Ant-Man: Ant-Man Meme: Anchorman Meme, or Ant-chor-Meme, or just plain Ant-Meme.

     With my excitement for Ant-Man reaching exceptional levels, I decided to put my mediocre Photoshop skills to use once again.  Yes, it's meme time!  I originally wanted to do a Zoolander reference with, "What is this, a hero for ants?!?"  Or maybe, "What is this, a meme for ants?!?"  But a quick Google search proved that many others had beaten me to it.
     So I went with this instead...

Ant-Meme... Ant-Meme... Ant-Meme... Ant-Meme...  Ant-Meme...

Click to reverse Pym Particles.

     It's nothing special, but I wanted people to initially see it really small and actively "use" Pym Particles to see it in actual size.  Just a little Anchorman reference to brighten the day.

Godzilla: Mini-Review, Sequel News, and a Meme

*WARNING: SPOILERS AHEAD*

     I went into Gareth Edwards' Godzilla with the lowest of expectations.  Heading in thinking we'll get a rubber-suited WWF wrestler demolishing everything in sight I was prepping for the worst.  Oddly enough, I think that actually led me to believe this movie was much, much better than I would've hoped.

Fat Shaming is Wrong: Real Giant Lizard Monsters Have Curves!

     In this new version of Godzilla we are given a rebirth of nuclear fueled creatures from the prehistoric era.  We, as humans, are merely fodder in the way of these titans.  At first I was bothered by the way that the humans are seemingly just for show.  They're given enough story to keep us interested, but not enough to really root for them.  Apparently the budget for Bryan Cranston was only enough for the fist 40 minutes.  Ken Watanabe's scientist is primarily ignored by the military, with the exception of one moment with David Strathairn and a pocket watch.  There was a serious under utilization of any of the female leads (Elizabeth Olsen, Juliette Binoche, and Sally Hawkins), and Aaron Taylor-Johnson, as Cranston's son, is a fumbling military man that is trying to get back to his wife and son.
     What I realized was this was a smart move by the filmmakers.  The human element isn't the important part- it's the big monsters.  We aren't even a bump in the road for them.  As Watanabe's character, Dr. Serizawa, says, “The arrogance of man is thinking nature is in our control, and not the other way around.”  In the end, none of the humans can do anything to help or stop the monsters.

     Maybe it's a statement on the ecological systems we are creating, maybe it's about the military's way of causing plenty of damage on top of nature's own havoc, or maybe it's just some big f***king monsters battling it out for our entertainment- regardless, I was thoroughly entertained.

     In addition I see that the news reports that a sequel has already been confirmed.  Many are asking if Mothra will be seen, but what about King Ghidorah?  I personally hope they get the rights to Gamerah and have an epic tag team battle against some other long dormant creatures of the past.
     Maybe some extremist group will try and use the knowledge to try and awaken some other slumbering giants...

     And one last thing, a Tweet I put up right after seeing the film, which ties in nicely with the image I made above:

Just saw #Godzilla and I gotta say, he's got some serious child-bearing hips. #LiteralThunderThighs
— Mr. J!sh (@jbarsody) May 19, 2014

    If Godzilla is the all-time greatest apex predator, why doesn't he eat the other giant beasts?  That would explain the massive hips and thighs...  I mean, one would think that he wouldn't solely subsist on radioactivity.  If I recall correctly Godzilla was always a little bottom-heavy and sort of pyramid shaped.  Oh well, I still enjoyed the crap out of this film and look forward to the recently announced sequel.

Midi-Chlorians For Sale: Down on his luck Luke.

     Kotaku has another 'Shop Contest and this week it's a Star Wars new cast one.  Since I'm doing homework I can't really put much time into anything, so I quickly whipped this up.

     A down on his luck Jedi.  No offense meant to Mr. Hammill, as he is a tremendous person, this was just for laughs that's all.  At first I was going to put something like, "Will Force for Food" or a "Have you seen these droids?" poster, but just didn't have time to do it.  (Once school is out next Friday I have an awesome idea for a Luke Skywalker sketch/painting that I might toss up here

Atari E.T. Game Cartridge Excavation Meme 2: It's Older Than We Thought

     Here's another thing I thought of for the digging up of the old E.T. video game from the landfills.  Even back in those days they were trying to decide what to do with them.

     Rumor has it that E.T. is responsible for the Big Bang.  He may have also killed the dinosaurs, sank Atlantis, and stole a little kid's Halloween candy.  He's a monster!

Atari E.T. Game Cartridges Finally Excavated From Landfill (Indiana Jones Meme)

     Here's what I generally think of the recent unearthing of the mass grave of Atari E.T. Games in New Mexico.

Game of Thrones: Jaime Lannister's Gold Hand: Meme: Masters of the Universe Jitsu

     This isn't the greatest meme I've thought of, but I knew I recognized that hand from somewhere!  Back in the 80's Masters of the Universe had a character called Jitsu with a fancy gold hand that looks vaguely familiar to a now famous Jaime Lannister's from Game of Thrones...

But What About Second Winter Part 2: Elevenses.

     Once again we Minnesotans are subjected to ridiculous weather.  We went from summer, to fall, then to winter, and spring, then winter, then spring, winter, and spring, and now we are somehow back in winter again with all the vast amount of snow Mother Nature feels like burying us in.

     Well, I made the second winter meme before it was cool, and now have made a follow up to go with the quote I was using in the first one- this time it's about Elevenses, which naturally comes after second breakfast.

     I have to say, after returning to winter once more, I am really getting sick of having to shovel my way out of the house.

Dark Souls 2: MORE Lembas Bread (Cracked Blue Eye Orb) Meme

     This was all I could think about while I farmed through Heide's Tower.  Seriously, it's all the knights dropped and I now have like 60 of them in my inventory.  I just had to make this to share how I felt.

The Hobbit: School Reading Response 3- "I AM LUCKWEARER" & Hobbitually Lucky

     Here is my 3rd and final reading response to the Hobbit.  It actually is something, that as far as I've found no one else has considered yet- the Bilbo does in fact have a sort of magic.  It would also explain all those moments that were all too convenient to save the group, or finding items like the weapons or even being just in the right place and time to see the moon-runes.
     Here you go, I may do another cleaned up and better written version just because.

Bilbo has more luck than all of the rest of Middle Earth combined

     The Hobbit has a strange underlying magic that I believe has gone long overlooked.  It has  to do specifically with our tiny friend Bilbo Baggins.  There is something mentioned constantly through the book and runs through it's entirety. 

     In the beginning of the story we get to hear that the highly revered wizard Gandalf has chosen a burglar for a group of dwarves, in the hopes he will help them retake their home from the dragon Smaug.  I had to go back and look up a bunch of things to make sure I caught them properly, but this is what I believe to be the initial idea- when the dwarves are all questioning why Gandalf would have chosen Bilbo, his response is, "You asked me to find the fourteenth man for your expedition, and I chose Mr. Baggins. Just let any one say I chose the wrong man or the wrong house, and you can stop at thirteen and have all the bad luck you like, or go back to digging coal."   

THE LUCKY NUMBER 

     Many people seem to have hinged the bad luck on the number, which very well could be partly true, but I believe otherwise.  I think Bilbo has a subtle form of magic- an aura of luck that surrounds him.  He was chosen specifically as the lucky number.  Gandalf didn't choose a great leader, or an amazing elf hunter, or even himself as a wizard- he chose Bilbo.  For being a burglar of all things!  He chose a little unassuming Hobbit to join the dwarves.
     After the party's first antagonistic encounter with the trolls, the signs have already begun.  Sure, when he tried to burgle a troll a talking purse gave him away, but things went oddly well, and Gandalf had arrived in the nick of time to turn the trolls to stone.  But in this encounter it gets a little bit better when they are attempting to locate a way into the trolls' stash:  "Would this be any good?" asked Bilbo, when they were getting tired and angry. "I found it on the ground where the trolls had their fight." He held out a largish key, though no doubt William had thought it very small and secret. It must have fallen out of his pocket, very luckily, before he was turned to stone."
     That seems like an awfully convenient occurrence. 

     Later when they are travelling in the mountains and the storm giants are fighting the group is once again blessed with luck as nothing crushes any of them. ("Boulders, too, at times came galloping down the mountain-sides, let loose by midday sun upon the snow, and passed among them (which was lucky), or over their heads (which was alarming).)  

     Then Bilbo just happens to find a ring, and not just any old ring either- the magical One Ring.  It happens that he finds clues and accidentally answers riddles with Gollum correctly.  A bit later than that luck saves Bilbo again when having the riddle contest with Gollum when he accidentally cheats (again, as the question posed was an unfair question that Gollum couldn't know) by asking himself what's in my pocket and Gollum guesses "Handses!"
     "Wrong," said Bilbo, who had luckily just taken his hand out again. "Guess again!"  If he hadn't pulled his hand out he would've been a much worse cheater because Gollum's answer would've been accurate. 

     The luck strikes again when fleeing the goblins ("There will be a bit of moon, if it keeps fine, and that is lucky."-Gandalf) and the Wargs ("For a time they were safe. Luckily it was warm and not windy.")
     Perhaps it is an indication that Gandalf may know about the luck, maybe even subconsciously, when he has to part ways with Bilbo and the dwarves and says, "I always meant to see you all safe (if possible) over the mountains," said the wizard, "and now by good management and good luck I have done it."  Maybe he suspects favor is on their side, but not the root cause of it. 

     The advice Beorn gives has a touch of it as well, "That is all the advice I can give you. Beyond the edge of the forest I cannot help you much; you must depend on your luck and your courage and the food I send with you. "  Do the magical type beings have an instinctual feel for magic somewhere deep inside them?  Like small magics calling to each other? 

     Gandalf makes a habit out of mentioning the luck.  "We may meet again before all is over, and then again of course we may not. That depends on your luck and on your courage and sense; and I am sending Mr. Baggins with you. I have told you before that he has more about him than you guess, and you will find that out before long."  And again when he says, "Stick to the forest-track, keep your spirits up, hope for the best, and with a tremendous slice of luck you may come out one day and see the Long Marshes lying below you, and beyond them, high in the East, the Lonely Mountain where dear old Smaug lives, though I hope he is not expecting you." 

     Bilbo passes out due to elven magic in Mirkwood forest and is saved due to, you guessed it, LUCK!  ("They were just giving up hope, when Dori stumbled across him by sheer luck.")
     A bit later his luck is shown a bunch with the spiders.  ("Then the great spider, who had been busy tying him up while he dozed, came from behind him and came at him. He could only see the things's eyes, but he could feel its hairy legs as it struggled to wind its abominable threads round and round him. It was lucky that he had come to his senses in time. Soon he would not have been able to move at all.")  When dealing with the spiders, it appears his luck is in overdrive.  Maybe it's effects were enhanced by the One Ring- it could've been somehow compounding the luck.
     ("In the end he made as good a guess as he could at the direction from which the cries for help had come in the night - and by luck (he was born with a good share of it) be guessed more or less right, as you will see.")
     ("With that he turned and found that the last space between two tall trees had been closed with a web-but luckily not a proper web, only great strands of double-thick spider-rope run hastily backwards and forwards from trunk to trunk. Out came his little' sword. He slashed the threads to pieces and went off singing.")
     ("I don't suppose he would have managed it, if a spider had not luckily left a rope hanging down; with its help, though it stuck to his hand and hurt him, he scrambled up-only to meet an old slow wicked fat-bodied spider who had remained behind to guard the prisoners, and had been busy pinching them to see which was the juiciest to eat.") 

     Now for a slight proof that the ring and luck are separate, because some think it may be the ring itself.  ("Knowing the truth about the vanishing did not lessen their opinion of Bilbo at all; for they saw that he had some wits, as well as luck and a magic ring-and all three are very useful possessions.")  Just a tad bit more proof that the luck has been with them since Bilbo joined the group. 

     When he is trying to rescue the dwarves it is especially mentioned.  ("When he heard this Bilbo was all in a flutter, for he saw that luck was with him and he had a chance at once to try his desperate plan. He followed the two elves, until they entered a small cellar and sat down at a table on which two large flagons were set. Soon they began to drink and laugh merrily. Luck of an unusual kind was with Bilbo then.")  Not just any sort of luck, but an unusual kind.  An extraordinary kind.  It keeps popping up- over and over.
     His luck manages to save both himself and all the dwarves in the barrel escape section.  ("I do hope I put the lids on tight enough!" he thought, but before long he was worrying too much about himself to remember the dwarves. He managed to keep his head above the water, but he was shivering with the cold, and he wondered if he would die of it before the luck turned, and how much longer he would be able to hang on, and whether he should risk the chance of letting go and trying to swim to the bank.
     The luck turned all right before long: the eddying current carried several barrels close ashore at one point and there for a while they stuck against some hidden root. Then Bilbo took the opportunity of scrambling up the side of his barrel while it was held steady against another. Up he crawled like a drowned rat, and lay on the top spread out to keep the balance as best he could. The breeze was cold but better than the water, and he hoped he would not suddenly roll off again when they started off once more. Before long the barrels broke free again and turned and twisted off down the stream, and out into the main current Then he found it quite as difficult to stick on as he had feared; but he managed it somehow, though it was miserably uncomfortable. Luckily he was very light, and the barrel was a good big one and being rather leaky had now shipped a small amount of water.)
     Then after losing the dwarves he ends up finding them once again.  (He scrambled down as fast as his stiff legs would take him and managed just in time to get on to the mass of casks without being noticed in the general bustle. Luckily there was no sun at the time to cast an awkward shadow, and for a mercy he did not sneeze again for a good while.
     As he listened to the talk of the raftmen and pieced together the scraps of information they let fall, he soon realized that he was very fortunate ever to have seen it at all, even from this distance. Dreary as had been his imprisonment and unpleasant as was his position (to say nothing of the poor dwarves underneath him) still, he had been more lucky than he had guessed.) 

I AM LUCKWEARER 

     The Lonely Mountain shows that the luck continues.  Thorin says, "Now is the time for our esteemed Mr. Baggins, who has proved himself a good companion on our long road, and a hobbit full of courage and resource far exceeding his size, and if I may say so possessed of good luck far exceeding the usual allowance-now is the time for him to perform the service for which he was included in our Company; now is the time for him to earn his Reward."
     Part of Bilbo's reply is this, "Perhaps I have begun to trust my luck more than I used to in the old days"
     Then later Bilbo says, "I have no idea at the moment - if you mean about removing the treasure. That obviously depends entirely on some new turn of luck and the getting rid of Smaug."  And this does come to pass.  As the Thrush that overhears him passes the information to Bard the Bowman, who uses that information to slay the dragon. 

     While Bilbo, still thinks it isn't himself causing all the luck (Hurriedly Bilbo stepped back and blessed the luck of his ring.) but he thinks it's the ring doing it.  He has so much of it that it effects everything and everyone around him.  He has an inkling that it's there, but to how great an extant- he has no clue!
     When he starts his conversation with Smaug, and is asked his name he says, "I am the clue-finder, the web-cutter, the stinging fly. I was chosen for the lucky number."  Something I think is far more important and completely goes right by everyone.  "I was chosen for the lucky number."  Of course the conversation goes on- 

     "Lovely titles!" sneered the dragon. "But lucky numbers don't always come off." 

     "I am Ringwinner and Luckwearer" 

     "If you get off alive, you will be lucky." 

     "Why not say 'us fourteen' and be done with it. Mr. Lucky Number?" 

     Then Bilbo makes a break for it.  One in which he is saved yet again by ridiculous luck.  (It was an unfortunate remark, for the dragon spouted terrific flames after him, and fast though he sped up the slope, he had not gone nearly far enough to be comfortable before the ghastly head of Smaug was thrust against the opening behind. Luckily the whole head and jaws could not squeeze in, but the nostrils sent forth fire and vapour to pursue him, and he was nearly overcome, and stumbled blindly on in great pain and fear. He had been feeling rather pleased with the cleverness of his conversation with Smaug, but his mistake at the end shook him into better sense.)  He escapes by luck and circumstance!   

     After the battle of 5 armies- which Bilbo very luckily avoids any harm in against the Goblins and Wargs he meets up with Gandalf, who mentions again the luck of this Hobbit.  (When Gandalf saw Bilbo, he was delighted. "Baggins!" he exclaimed. "Well I never! Alive after all - I am glad! I began to wonder if even your luck would see you through!")
     The adds a nice little touch to the idea of Bilbo's luck- which makes me wonder- is Gandalf truly aware of it?  And Bilbo himself would probably just believe it was the ring- as he is quite content to be a little fellow of no esteem. 

     "Of course!" said Gandalf. "And why should not they prove true? Surely you don't disbelieve the prophecies, because you had a hand in bringing them about yourself? You don't really suppose, do you, that all your adventures and escapes were managed by mere luck, just for your sole benefit? You are a very fine person, Mr. Baggins, and I am very fond of you; but you are only quite a little fellow in a wide world after all!" 

     "Thank goodness!" said Bilbo laughing, and handed him the tobacco-jar. 

     This luck would also explain all the coincidental occurrences throughout the story.  Each occurrence that happened in the nick of time, how everything fell into place just right, and how stuff like being in the right place and right time happened for the moon-runes.  It would explain how salvation was quite convenient. 

     In the end we readers happen to be just like Gandalf and the dwarves- we recognize there is something special about Bilbo, and there must've been a reason he was chosen.  The problem is we are all constantly failing to see what that something is.  His all pervading luck is just as unseen and overlooked as Bilbo is himself.  Could Gandalf see it truly?  Or was he aware of that odd something, like a fish not seeing the water that is surrounding them. 

     Smaug was right- Bilbo's luck didn't come off- time and again, it held through the entire journey, from there and back again it never faltered- it carried him the whole way.

     And if you've made it this far down here is a meme I adapted from one I made up for the Desolation of Smaug post I did.  A CSI: Middle Earth Meme, if you will.

Throughout There and Back Again,

It looks like Bilbo is...

( •_•)
( •_•)>⌐■-■
(⌐■_■)

Hobbitually lucky.

YYYYEEEEAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!

The Hobbit: My 2nd Reading Response for Fantasy Literature: No Time For Describing Urgency

     Here's my 2nd reading response about the Hobbit.  It's kind of about my irritation about how the narrator breaks the story by telling you information and tell you about a situation's urgency, then cuts it off. 

Joshua Barsody
Reading Response 2 

     "No time now!" said the hobbit. (p178) 

     I have noticed that the narrator has a habit of inserting things to point out that there is a hurry.  Inserting offhand comments into the story to try and convey an extra sense of urgency of the situations in the part of the story being read.  I find it to be frustrating and annoying- actually making me somewhat angry at the story for disrupting the flow to say something like: 

     "There is no need to tell you much of his adventures that night, for now we are drawing near the end of the eastward  journey and coming to the last and greatest adventure, so we must hurry on." (p187) 

     Really?  If it wasn't important, why even bother drawing our attention to something unnecessary?  Why not just skip it?  Get to the important and urgent parts we want to read.  The same goes for the "as you will see."  Like when Bombur doesn't want a safety rope, "Luckily for him that was not true, as you will see." (p207)  We don't need to be told what to look for.  Even young readers will pick things up- not all readers, but I feel this is a redundancy in the book.  It would've been just as effective and just a bit less condescending to leave the "as you will see" off. 

     "That leaves you just ten minutes. You will have to run," said Gandalf. 

     "But-" said Bilbo. 

     "No time for it," said the wizard. 

     "But-"said Bilbo again. 

     "No time for that either! Off you go!" (chapter 2 online version) 

     They become speed bumps in the road and serve to knock one out of the story.  It becomes such a pain.  Here's a great example, and in fact the one I had the biggest issue with, "As a boy he used to practice throwing stones at things, until rabbits and squirrels, and even birds, got out of his way as quick as lightning if they saw him stoop; and even grownup he had still spent a deal of his time at quoits, dart-throwing, shooting at the wand, bowls, ninepins and other quiet games of the aiming and throwing sort-indeed he could do lots of things, besides blowing smoke-rings, asking riddles and cooking, that I haven't had time to tell you about. There is no time now." (p158)  If there wasn't time now you wouldn't have wasted an entire paragraph mentioning things that aren't at least a bit necessary. 

     It feels like a cheap way to direct attention, but it is more of a distraction.  Information that could've been threaded through the book in small spurts gets skimmed and shoved into a small note, and promptly written off.  Hey here's a bunch of information I could've told you earlier, but I forgot- so here it is, oops wait- no time for that now! 

     "No time now!" cried the raftman. (p188) 

     The story should provide ample evidence of dire circumstances, we, as readers, shouldn't need to be reminded constantly.  It deprives us of the discovery and experience that is occurring in the story.  I mean really, what's that old advice?  Show, don't tell.

     I would've liked to tell you about how I searched for the quotes, and how the class is discussing various things, but there's no time for that now.

Community Season 5 & Alien: Mash-up Meme: In Space, No One Can Hear You Pop. (Magnitude)

     I've been thinking about making this since I first saw the second episode of this season's Community when Magnitude breaks a window and screams his trademark, "POP-POP!!!"  The idea just popped into my head (apologies for the pun.

     Then I went on a tangent and thought of ways to Meme other characters- like replacing Ian Holm's Ash from Alien with Richard Erdman's Leonard from Community.  They would all involve lines from both and end up with something along the lines of Ripley (Sigourney Weaver) saying, "Shut up, Leonard!"


     Who knows, if I find some down time between school and work I might make a few more of these- there's so many swaps that could be done like Dallas (Tom Skerritt)/ Jeff Winger (Joel McHale).

The Hobbit: We Have a Gandalf Meme and a Reading Response

     I haven't blogged in a few days and I feel kind of bad about it.  The reason is because I'm back in school full time in addition to working 45+ hours a week in patient care.  Well, I figured I'd knock out a blog with a meme I thought of while writing a reading response to my Fantasy Literature class' first book The Hobbit.

     This is just a bit of irritation I feel at how Gandalf is used as a back door solution to EVERY problem that arises.  Clearly I'm not the best writer by any means, but you'll get the point.

     Here's the paper/response:

Joshua Barsody

Reading Response 1

     An issue of convenience.

     There is something that bothers me quite a bit about the Hobbit, and that is the problem of convenience.  Every step of the way a strange new peril arises and it's solution is so perfectly easy that it's a let down.  The peril wasn't really peril because [ fill in the blank ].  

     The first noticeable one is with the trolls encountered by Bilbo and the dwarves.  Bilbo tries to pickpocket a troll and the troll just happens to have a purse that happens to spek! (p36)  All right, a very odd occurrence in a strange land, I can accept that, but then things get better!  Gandalf arrives and saves the troup due to the stupidity of the trolls- and upon searching the trolls stash- they find two famous weapons(p42)!  Named blades, Orcrist and Glamdring, that Elrond know-it-all just happens to know on sight.  These two also happen to be recognized by goblins (later in the story), one would guess by such amazing verbal descriptions because I don't think goblins live long enough to recall something that happened "ages ago."(p52)  

     (Note: for the above, I know the weapons are named with runes, but wouldn't people name their weapons after others' famous weapons?  Perhaps, like naming a child after family or friends.  It just seems too easy for the weapons to both be singularly named and have a history known to Elrond and the goblins that probably should've been forgotten "ages ago.")

     Once again, that's not soooooo bad.  Now we get to a real whopper, the first one I rolled my eyes at.  “Moon-letters are rune-letters, but you cannot see them,’ said Elrond, ‘not when you look straight at them. They can only be seen when the moon shines behind them, and what is more, with the more cunning sort it must be a moon of the same shape and season as the day when they were written.” (p53)  Are you effin' kidding me?!?  So they just happened to not only be there looking at the map, but also in the same season, under the same shaped moon (with the map held up to it's light, instead of being read in candle light), AAAAAND also -quite conveniently- with an individual that can read them?!?  It feels so ridiculous that all that happened by sheer coincidence that it knocked me out of the story.

     "Of course it was Gandalf." (p65)

     For the biggest piece of convenience in writing- Gandalf, the get-out-of-jail-free wizard.  In most circumstances the dangers our Ereborian friends (and Bilbo) get themselves into don't feel like actual danger.  They have a wizard!  One that's power is whatever is necessary at the moment except when it's Eagles, because somehow, Eagles trump Gandalf's ace card.  And on top of that- if Elrond is Mr. Knows-it-all, then Gandalf is Mr. Knows-a-guy.  When he needs answers he knows who can.  Why aren't there unanswerable questions and mystery?  Why isn't there real danger?  Granted, there is a chance it may play to the fact that if Gandalf leaves it'll force the over-reliance on Captain Cop-out with magic to save the day to end, and make the others actually save their own butts.

     Bilbo and the gang run into trolls?  A wild Gandalf appears! (p41)  Caught by goblins and in need of saving?  Gandalf to the rescue! (p64)  Surrounded in warg territory and stuck in trees?  Gandalf is on the job... with the aid of some Eagles. (p 107)

     Gandalf, while needed for the story, is too bothersome with how often he continually saves them (and vanishes).  It is bothersome enough for me to wonder- what are the dwarves doing anyway- he's practically babysitting them, and other than Gandalf starting them all forward, none of the dwarves has really contributed to their journey in any meaningful way yet.  They are just bearded children following the fix-all grandpa Gandalf, and feel unnecessary in what should rightly be their own tale instead of a checklist of things they were saved from by Gandalf.

     So without Gandalf and all the convenient saves/problem solving the dwarves would all be dead.  Disturbing but true.

Christmas Cards 2013: Black Jesus! It's Definitely Not Joseph's child!

     I already know I'll catch a lot of flack for this one- so here goes.  After seeing all this race hubbub going on about Santa and Jesus I figured might as well make a joke about it and add a touch of modern humor to the mix.  So I snagged an old Gustave Dore Nativity pic, colored it, then made it into a meme.
     I wasn't there and have no idea what went down, but I would totally laugh if one of the wise men cracked a joke like this after travelling so far.  Quite a surprise for the family of the newborn black baby Jesus!

     Besides, who gives a crap what color anyone was a couple thousand years ago- shouldn't we focus on the teachings they left behind?  To do good because it's the right thing to do?  Being a decent, generous, and caring person is more important than bickering over stupid shit any day.  Black or white, Jesus taught people to do good, and that is what should be remembered.

Christmas Cards 2013: Megyn Kelly is An Idiot: Dreaming of a White Christmas

     With all the wonderfully absurd and highly controversial statements by Fox News' Megyn Kelly, I really couldn't help myself in making this "Christmas Card."  It's mostly a stupid meme, but I hope someone laughs at it...  and Miss Kelly gets a good lesson from it.  (The lesson being don't be a idiot.)

     Santa Claus can be what ever people want.  Hell, make him a lady, as long as Santa is teaching kids to be good I don't give a crap.  Make Santa a pile of dirty socks that deliver gifts and joy!  I'd still like it/him/her/other.  I mean isn't Christmas about being "good for goodness' sake?"  It's about generosity and caring about well being of everyone, not about petty squabbles- like Gretchen Carlson's comments about a Festivus pole ruining her Nativity scene view.  I may go put one up now myself...

Thanksgiving Day Humor: A Silence of the Lambs Meme

     At one point during my very long day at work someone mentioned someone basting a turkey in a very humorous-and-a-bit-strange way- and the individual doing it said it was like lotion for the turkey.  Of course my immediate thought was of Buffalo Bill making a dinner for one of his victims.  So I got home from work and finished the post right before this one, and then made this meme.  The Silence of the Memes.

Where's Lindelof: Fake News About Damon Lindelof?

     It's only been a month since Mr. Lindelof broke up with the Twitterverse and I'm kind of curious as to where he's been.  To solve the mystery of the missing Damon- and what the meaning behind his last tweet is- I went searching in a Where's Waldo fashion...

“After much thought and deliberation, I’ve decided t...”

Come find me.

     You've decided to what?!?

     OK, maybe we'll never know, or maybe he's just working on Tomorrowland or The Leftovers.  Maybe he doesn't even know.  Maybe he's got some secret projects or new comics like Ultimate Hulk vs. Wolverine, which I actually enjoyed.  If he really hunkers down I hope he can produce some really remarkable things, not some senseless perpetual-mystery circle.

     Anyway- he does have plenty of ideas left so I'm sure he'll return with something worthwhile, including the answer to his last tweet.

The Desolation of Smaug Full Trailer and a Hobbit Meme

     Since the new Hobbit: The Desolation of Smaug trailer has been released, I might have to say something about it.  We get some Legolas' love life, Bard the Badass Bowman, and Smaug's sultry voice.  Not too shabby at all.  Although I'm still not happy Peter Jackson has turned the smallest book into the bloated new trilogy, I'll see this and enjoy it anyway.  Although I still refuse to buy any of them until the 3rd film is released with a special edition set with ALL the extra features and footage included.  I'm not paying for the same movies 3 times over.

     And because I said I'd make a meme, and don't have access to Photoshop at work, I made an ASCII CSI Miami meme... ok it's CSI Middle Earth.

In the Desolation of Smaug Trailer-

It looks like Bilbo's becoming...

( •_•) 

( •_•)>⌐■-■ 

(⌐■_■)

A Hobbitual liar.

YYYYEEEEAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!

     Yes.  I know I'm dumb.  But I hope you laughed anyway.

     ...and I'm still going to pronounce it SMOG, not Smawooooog.