Sex and Mortal Kombat have a lot in common.
So I wrote a list.
1) You can choose whether you’ll have sweat or you’ll have blood.
2) You might go two or three rounds.
3) Successive impacts may elicit heightened vocal response.
4) Skill with hands is good but some may prefer skill with feet.
5) There might be costumes involved.
6) You might sneak in a match at your buddy’s house.
7) Your parents aren’t entirely comfortable with your participation.
8) You aren’t entirely comfortable with your parents’ participation.
9) You went through a phase of ‘researching’ more information online.
10) Years ago, you would’ve had to rely on magazines for this ‘research.’
11) You may stick with a main for a while but try to switch it up sometimes.
12) Some of your friends have no clue about it.
13) Remember that period in high school when everyone was talking about it?
14) Every new release still feels like a big deal.
15) The acting in the films is not the greatest.
16) The films also lend unrealistic expectations with inaccurate portrayals.
17) Still, many have their favorite movie on the topic.
18) Some may worry about their children being exposed to the subject prematurely.
19) Politicians occasionally take fanatical positions concerning it.
20) Some prefer the men, some prefer the ladies.
21) Thousands of people are enjoying it right now, at this moment.
22) Some people don’t even like it.
23) There is plenty of amateur art online, and a lot of it is inappropriate.
24) People have written entire books about it.
25) Be careful -- overdoing it can exhaust you.
26) It might cost you some money.
27) There are some spectacular finishing moves out there.
28) Apparently there are YouTube tutorials to help improve your skills.
29) Typically, men are lauded for playing the game but women are met with disrespect.
30) Fists play a part.
31) You may see some unusual or extreme anatomy featured.
32) It has a long history, generations’ worth.
33) You can match up with a partner online.
34) Might make for an interesting first date.
35) Some married couples don’t even bother with it anymore.
36) You don’t see it play out in public much. But you might.
37) You can play by yourself but it’s not as fun.
38) You probably won’t make much money writing about it.
39) You can enjoy it in the bedroom, or maybe on the living room sofa; the kitchen, more rarely.
40) You used to see it at the arcades a lot more.
41) If you could go at it for five hours straight I’d be impressed.
42) I understand if you’ve never tried it, but it’s harder to believe you’ve never heard of it at all.
43) If you keep getting kicked in the face, maybe you’re not doing so well.
44) If you do it a certain way, you end up with a baby.
45) If you do it another way, you end up as friends.
46) And if you really screw it up, you might have your spine torn out of your body.
47) It’s rare to have more than two players at once.
48) The setting doesn’t really make a huge difference, honestly.
49) Often, one player is going to have a much better time than the other.
50) Typically, a “nothing but roundhouse kicks” strategy is frowned upon.
51) There are very few friends of whom I’d be comfortable asking about their performance.
52) You’d probably get in trouble if you were caught doing it at work.
53) “Excessive jumping” is totally a thing.
54) I understand Nintendo is reluctant to release this kind of content.
55) I’d prefer to not have someone watching over my shoulder while I’m going at it.
56) Some people are more vocal than others while it’s going on.
57) C’mon, don’t make fun of people who are new to it.
58) I think the Bible has some relevant commentary.
59) Juggling at the same time would be rather difficult.
60) The right soundtrack can help set the mood.
61) There are oh-so-saintly prudes out there who probably take pride in never trying it.
62) I see chatter on Twitter about it occasionally.
63) It’s the sort of content that gets an “R” or “M” rating.
64) Sometimes you just have to growl “Get over here!”
65) If your doctor says you’re not healthy enough for it, please listen to them.
66) The 3D modeling has really advanced over the years.
67) It’s all about who’s in control.
68) There are firm boundaries, and it is good to know them.
69) Leave your grandmother out of it.
70) The classic debate: Should you try everyone, or stick to one main selection?
71) You might have luck finding it on Craigslist.
72) The motion-capture work is always interesting.
73) If you record yourself doing it, someone out there would probably watch.
74) Let’s be honest: Sometimes it’s gross.
75) Mileena is either the best or the worst, depending on how you look at her.
76) You might have your heart ripped right out of your chest.
77) Personally, I don’t like involving food, I think it gets messy, but hey, you do you I guess.
78) Have I ever paid $60 for it? No. Has someone else? Yeah. I bet a lot of people have.
79) Has it gotten worse as you’ve aged? That may depend on who you ask.
80) You have to know how to push the right buttons.
81) But timing is crucial. Timing is the difference between success and disappointment.
82) However, pressure is important too. You have to know when to go hard and when to lay off.
83) Your first time is going to be an awkward disaster.
84) Sometimes it leaves a big mess.
85) You might stay up too late doing it.
86) Can you play in VR yet? I’m not even sure.
87) Try moving your thumb in gentler circles. Flick back at just the right moment.
88) You can face one way or the other way.
89) Some of the most innocent-looking people have far more experience than you’d think.
90) Be respectful of your neighbors, try not to be too loud.
91) I bet there are people who are absolutely obsessed.
92) No, I’m not interested in your podcast about it.
93) Make sure you’re properly hydrated beforehand.
94) You may experience sweaty palms for the duration.
95) You may have to compete with killer instinct.
96) Never pick a guy named Stryker.
97) There’s a chance your play will involve some electric shock.
98) It’s the shape-shifting warlock you have to worry about.
99) Use that block button to help prevent unwanted advances.
100) Your opening move might be the most important.
And have a bonus round:
101) Whoever gets the first blow doesn’t always win.
Eric Bailey likes Nintendo games and writing about Nintendo games. You can follow him on Twitter @EricVBailey, check out his minimalist YouTube series, support him on Patreon, or ignore him altogether.
Previous Guest Posts by Eric Bailey:
[ Who Can Eat More: Yoshi vs Kirby ]
[ Tribute: Link's Awakening ]
[ You’re All Idiots, Everything's On Fire, and Nothing Ever Changes: Yet Another Critique of Gaming Culture ]
[ Easy-Mode Players Are The Real Gamers ]
