Showing posts with label humor. Show all posts
Showing posts with label humor. Show all posts

8.10.2020

The NeverEnding Story: The Original Dark Souls: The NeverEnding Souls Meme

   

      It's been quite a while since I posted on my own sites, and even longer since I made any kind of memes.  Well, I've been on a Dark Souls kick recently, and going over old movies for reference material for a project I've been working on.  In doing so I came across a long-time favorite film from my childhood- The NeverEnding Story.

     In re-watching the film I realized that Dark Souls has a LOT in common, and a lot of parallels with the film (and I suppose the book it's based on).  I mean, right off the bat, Fantasia is being destroyed by an infection of darkness called The Nothing- whereas Lordran is being devoured by consuming dark called The Abyss.  There's the great wolf Gmork and the great wolf Sif, and so on.  There's the multiple gates on the way to finding a way to solve the problem besetting the land. I'm genuinely curious to know if Hidetaka Miyazaki has ever seen this and unconsciously drew any inspiration from the film.

     I'd actually like to recommend people just watch the film again anyways, due to the tremendously meta work of the story itself- and in even more surprising recommendations, I recall the book being less impressive than the film- which is quite rare for me to say.  Anyways, I laughed watching this scene and picturing this exact moment as if I were playing the game and experiencing it like this.

     Have a laugh and enjoy.  #NeverEndingSouls

3.29.2019

Sex & Mortal Kombat: 100 Things In Common (Guest Post by @EricVBailey)

Sex and Mortal Kombat have a lot in common. 

     So I wrote a list.


1) You can choose whether you’ll have sweat or you’ll have blood.

2) You might go two or three rounds.

3) Successive impacts may elicit heightened vocal response.

4) Skill with hands is good but some may prefer skill with feet.

5) There might be costumes involved.

6) You might sneak in a match at your buddy’s house.

7) Your parents aren’t entirely comfortable with your participation.

8) You aren’t entirely comfortable with your parents’ participation.

9) You went through a phase of ‘researching’ more information online.

10) Years ago, you would’ve had to rely on magazines for this ‘research.’


11) You may stick with a main for a while but try to switch it up sometimes.

12) Some of your friends have no clue about it.

13) Remember that period in high school when everyone was talking about it?

14) Every new release still feels like a big deal.

15) The acting in the films is not the greatest.

16) The films also lend unrealistic expectations with inaccurate portrayals.

17) Still, many have their favorite movie on the topic.

18) Some may worry about their children being exposed to the subject prematurely.

19) Politicians occasionally take fanatical positions concerning it.

20) Some prefer the men, some prefer the ladies.


21) Thousands of people are enjoying it right now, at this moment.

22) Some people don’t even like it.

23) There is plenty of amateur art online, and a lot of it is inappropriate.

24) People have written entire books about it.

25) Be careful -- overdoing it can exhaust you.

26) It might cost you some money.

27) There are some spectacular finishing moves out there.

28) Apparently there are YouTube tutorials to help improve your skills.

29) Typically, men are lauded for playing the game but women are met with disrespect.

30) Fists play a part.


31) You may see some unusual or extreme anatomy featured.

32) It has a long history, generations’ worth.

33) You can match up with a partner online.

34) Might make for an interesting first date.

35) Some married couples don’t even bother with it anymore.

36) You don’t see it play out in public much. But you might.

37) You can play by yourself but it’s not as fun.

38) You probably won’t make much money writing about it.

39) You can enjoy it in the bedroom, or maybe on the living room sofa; the kitchen, more rarely.

40) You used to see it at the arcades a lot more.


41) If you could go at it for five hours straight I’d be impressed.

42) I understand if you’ve never tried it, but it’s harder to believe you’ve never heard of it at all.

43) If you keep getting kicked in the face, maybe you’re not doing so well.

44) If you do it a certain way, you end up with a baby.

45) If you do it another way, you end up as friends.

46) And if you really screw it up, you might have your spine torn out of your body.

47) It’s rare to have more than two players at once.

48) The setting doesn’t really make a huge difference, honestly.

49) Often, one player is going to have a much better time than the other.

50) Typically, a “nothing but roundhouse kicks” strategy is frowned upon.


51) There are very few friends of whom I’d be comfortable asking about their performance.

52) You’d probably get in trouble if you were caught doing it at work.

53) “Excessive jumping” is totally a thing.

54) I understand Nintendo is reluctant to release this kind of content.

55) I’d prefer to not have someone watching over my shoulder while I’m going at it.

56) Some people are more vocal than others while it’s going on.

57) C’mon, don’t make fun of people who are new to it.

58) I think the Bible has some relevant commentary.

59) Juggling at the same time would be rather difficult.

60) The right soundtrack can help set the mood.


61) There are oh-so-saintly prudes out there who probably take pride in never trying it.

62) I see chatter on Twitter about it occasionally.

63) It’s the sort of content that gets an “R” or “M” rating.

64) Sometimes you just have to growl “Get over here!”

65) If your doctor says you’re not healthy enough for it, please listen to them.

66) The 3D modeling has really advanced over the years.

67) It’s all about who’s in control.

68) There are firm boundaries, and it is good to know them.

69) Leave your grandmother out of it.

70) The classic debate: Should you try everyone, or stick to one main selection?


71) You might have luck finding it on Craigslist.

72) The motion-capture work is always interesting.

73) If you record yourself doing it, someone out there would probably watch.

74) Let’s be honest: Sometimes it’s gross.

75) Mileena is either the best or the worst, depending on how you look at her.

76) You might have your heart ripped right out of your chest.

77) Personally, I don’t like involving food, I think it gets messy, but hey, you do you I guess.

78) Have I ever paid $60 for it? No. Has someone else? Yeah. I bet a lot of people have.

79) Has it gotten worse as you’ve aged? That may depend on who you ask.

80) You have to know how to push the right buttons.


81) But timing is crucial. Timing is the difference between success and disappointment.

82) However, pressure is important too. You have to know when to go hard and when to lay off.

83) Your first time is going to be an awkward disaster.

84) Sometimes it leaves a big mess.

85) You might stay up too late doing it.

86) Can you play in VR yet? I’m not even sure.

87) Try moving your thumb in gentler circles. Flick back at just the right moment.

88) You can face one way or the other way.

89) Some of the most innocent-looking people have far more experience than you’d think.

90) Be respectful of your neighbors, try not to be too loud.


91) I bet there are people who are absolutely obsessed.

92) No, I’m not interested in your podcast about it.

93) Make sure you’re properly hydrated beforehand.

94) You may experience sweaty palms for the duration.

95) You may have to compete with killer instinct.

96) Never pick a guy named Stryker.

97) There’s a chance your play will involve some electric shock.

98) It’s the shape-shifting warlock you have to worry about.

99) Use that block button to help prevent unwanted advances.

100) Your opening move might be the most important.

     And have a bonus round:

101) Whoever gets the first blow doesn’t always win.


Eric Bailey likes Nintendo games and writing about Nintendo games. You can follow him on Twitter @EricVBailey, check out his minimalist YouTube series, support him on Patreon, or ignore him altogether.

     Previous Guest Posts by Eric Bailey:

     [ Who Can Eat More: Yoshi vs Kirby ]

     [ Tribute: Link's Awakening ]

     [ You’re All Idiots, Everything's On Fire, and Nothing Ever Changes: Yet Another Critique of Gaming Culture

     [ Easy-Mode Players Are The Real Gamers ]

12.28.2018

Who Can Eat More: Yoshi vs Kirby (Guest Post by @EricVBailey )

THE QUANDRY

Yoshi and Kirby are two Nintendo characters who have a lot in common: They both have a reputation for being more “cute” than combative, they star in their own series of games, they have a limited vocabulary, and they are known for eating their opponents or other items.

But who can eat more?


YOSHI

Mario's faithful steed has to be near the top of the list of competitive eaters in gaming lore. The green dinosaur does little else besides eat and be sacrificed for longer jumps. With a flick of his tongue and a lay of his egg, he rapidly disposes of any meal placed in front of him.

In Super Mario World, the larval form of Yoshi doesn't even need the classic tonguing action. You just kinda shove his face into any enemy and Baby Yoshi will eat it. We take it for granted, just how impressive this feat is. Have you ever tried to eat something larger than yourself in less than a second?


This is the truly impressive facet of Yoshi's consumptive power – not just the size of his conquests, but the raw efficiency of the process. From the gulping swallow to the egg-to-ammo transformation, Yoshi seems to have optimized his guts for maximum capacity. You can parade an endless stream of feed-fodder straight toward his mouth, and he will just keep swallowing. Look at this .gif, illustrating the point. You could leave this thing running for decades, only to come back and still find Yoshi wolfing down Shy Guy after Shy Guy for all eternity.


So beware the tongue of Yoshi, lest he get you next. He may yet tempt you, or even impress you, with the skillful application of his long, thick, and moist appendage. He is quite capable of giving you a good tongue-lashing. Yes, he'll tongue you good. He'll tongue you hard, and deep. His skin glistens with sweat, his sinews drawn taut, his shoulders rising and falling with excited breath as he bites his lip and proceeds to-- *stares off into the middle distance*


KIRBY

In the circle of Nintendo's competitive eaters, Kirby has to be in the mix as well.

This lovable pink puffball seems to have an insatiable appetite. Whereas Yoshi converts his foes into weapon-projectiles through arcane digestive means, Kirby himself is the end of his means, the final destination for those unlucky enough to cross him. His mouth is like a black hole, his stomach the period that the story of life.

Yoshi's gift for rapid-fire snacking is nothing short of miraculous, but Kirby has him beat in a few specific ways. For one, Kirby can eat more than one thing at once. Yoshi has this certain physical limitation about him, this constraint whereby the tip of his tongue must physically connect with his target. Kirby shows no concern for paltry ideas like “physics,” instead electing to consume, consume everything.


Yoshi's backstory has something to do with living on an island and playing a part in the rise of the Super Mario Bros. Kirby's story always seems to essentially boil down to “One day, Kirby was having a picnic or taking a nap or otherwise being perfectly innocent and adorable, until his idyllic peace was interrupted by a paradimensional entity bent on the violent destruction of all life. So Kirby ate him. Peace was restored, the end.”

You don't mess with Kirby.

Kirby will eat everything, instantly, forever.


At this point, some Yoshi apologist will say “b-b-but what about Mega Yarn Yoshi, and those giant metal eggs from New Island?!” Get that garbage argument out of here. Look, Yoshi's a dinosaur, he has to adhere to certain physical limits. Kirby, on the other hand, laughs at every attempt of the cosmos to contain him.

We can look to one title in particular for the most compelling persuasion: In Kirby Triple Deluxe, Kirby does this thing where he goes “hypernova” and his suction rips entire dang trees out of the ground, among other objects. There is video evidence. But if you're going to watch one video to summarize Kirby's nigh-apocalyptic prowess, check out his final boss battle from that game, in which he swallows... a streaming blast of supernatural energy? And then fires it back out of his face to annihilate all in his path? Ridiculous. That kind of eating can't be quantified.

Perhaps there was a time when this article began with a good-faith intent at debate but, no, let's be honest, Kirby wins this battle of bites and it's not even close. Even if Yoshi forked his tongue, and stretched it out, and massacred his mouth into an inescapable maw of unfathomable tentacle-tongues, Kirby would just suck 'im up like the infinite vacuum he is and swallow it all whole.


THE WINNER

Kirby wins.

Easily.

Decisively.


     …


          Although...


               Now I do have to wonder:


                       Could he eat a ghost?



Special thanks to internet pal and Kirby expert Jonathan for his input on this piece. You can follow him on Twitter @radicaldefect.

Eric Bailey likes Nintendo games and writing about Nintendo games. You can follow him on Twitter @EricVBailey, check out his minimalist YouTube series, support him on Patreon, or ignore him altogether.

     Previous Guest Posts by Eric Bailey:

     [ Tribute: Link's Awakening ]

     [ You’re All Idiots, Everything's On Fire, and Nothing Ever Changes: Yet Another Critique of Gaming Culture


     [ Easy-Mode Players Are The Real Gamers ]

11.28.2016

Space Farter: Review

     Polish indie developer Fastfinger Games have created what amounts to the most entertaining runner game possible with Space Farter.  In an attempt to avert the most embarrassing disaster a person can endure, players must race the clock to the toilet before their bowels let out.  Using farts to assist jumps, and belches to eliminate traps and enemies, players make their way through dangerous pathways to the restroom.  Through 30 hilarious levels, players aren't just racing an interstellar case of IBS, they are desperately collecting all the toilet paper and food they can to stave off a colonic catastrophe on that trek.

(Note: The farting sound effects are NOT in this trailer)

     Space Farter has a good control layout, with the stop and go button with the "attack" belch button on the left, and the jump and slide buttons on the right.  The jump also can be double-tapped and held for a floating flatulation ability, and the run/stop button can be held during a jump to drop straight down.  The controls aren't just simple and effective, they add levels of complexity to the game.  The level design offers more than a singular route in later stages meaning there's a surprising amount of challenge and depth behind what amounts to an interactive fart joke.
     Though, I did notice some unresponsiveness that was frustrating at times with the double-tap and hold to float not triggering properly.  That problem becomes a little bit more of an irritation because there are some areas in levels that require extremely quick movements, and even the slightest lag or unresponsiveness can result in an instant death.  It isn't terrible, and isn't too often, but it is there as a small annoyance.

     On the whole, Space Farter is a game that, at first glance, might be overlooked because its silly juvenile material, but as someone that typically doesn't enjoy runners, I can honestly tell you that Space Farter gave me more than enough to keep me well invested.  The levels offer quite a bit of challenge, the art style is very clean and stylized, and the music keeps a good tempo for making the mad dash to the bathroom.  It also helps that the sound effects provide plenty of humor and giggles.  Intestinal distress hasn't been this fun or engaging for a long time, and I definitely recommend giving Space Farter a go.

     Space Farter is 99 cents on [ iOS* ] or [ Android ]
*Due to the iTunes guidelines, the game will launch under the censored name- "Space Farther"

Review copy provided, Thank you!

11.08.2016

Megalo Polis: An Election Day 2016 Review

     After the entire last year of Presidential campaigns and their ridiculous shenanigans- we can make light of this extremely absurd election process with a wonderful satirical game called Megalo Polis.  The game tosses you into the role of one of this year's candidates with the seemingly simple goal of becoming the next President of the United States of America by going out on the political trail, and it becomes our job to convince the public to vote for us... by any means necessary.


     To start, you choose whether you want to run as a Republican or Democrat.  Each party gets a special bonus the other doesn't.  Republicans earn an extra $5,000 a minute while Democrats have a higher population conversion rate.
     Then you get to choose who to run as, and any character can run as either party.  For the playable characters there's the big two, Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump, but there's also Bernie Sanders, Ted Cruz, and inexplicably, Obama himself, attempting to run for an impossible third term- and what better way to show support for your candidate than campaigning as them?  Each character receives their own pros and cons aiding or hindering the ability to sway certain social classes.  Trump has a harder time convincing the educated, but gains an extra aggressive bonus to the speed in which he can take over opponents' district, and Hillary has a tough time convincing people due to trust issues, but starts with a lot more funding.

     Players need to go from district to district, and state to state in a race to the White House gathering as many supporters as possible and locking them down.  The more districts loyal to you, the more money you make, and in turn the more you can spend on gaining even more followers.
     To help garner even more support players can complete challenges to earn cards that act as special abilities like jailing your opponent for a short time, developing a smear campaign, or creating a scandal to hinder other candidates.


     The caricatures of the candidates and their silly-voiced soundbites are a comedic treat, and the way developer Black Sheep Studios handled them all is fantastic.  Though the highly repetitive nature of the same handful of lines over and over does become a bit grating over time, the bright and colorful cartoonish visuals never get old.  They were just as good at the end of my playtime as they were at the beginning.

      Overall, Megalo Polis is a hilarious RTS strategy game that holds quite a bit more depth than I first gave it credit for.  Attempting to gather new followers and thwarting the opposition might be the surface game, but understanding all the types of classes and districts you need to influence really alters the game.  Add on top of that the fact that you can both interfere with others and they can impede your progress through all manner of small ways with the cards you collect- and the game does fill out with nice complexity.  I must also point out that there's also a lot that isn't spelled out in the tutorial that you must learn on the go, such as the fact that to receive money from your districts you need to walk back to them- it isn't automatically added to your campaign fund.
     Megalo Polis is definitely not something anyone might play for days on end, but it is a surprisingly great binge treat to waste a few hours playing while we await the election results.  Who knew it was so fun to play as a manipulative, corrupt, and patronizing politician trying to persuade the public I am the prime choice?

     Official site [ Megalo Polis ]

     Megalo Polis is available on [ STEAM ]

*Review copy provided, thank you!

9.30.2016

Zenith: A Short Game Review

     Zenith is a sci-fi/fantasy action-RPG in the same vein as Final Fantasy, if it was run through a Terry Pratchett filter and then dunked in a thick coating of sarcasm creating a wonderful homage to the action-RPG's of yesteryear.  The game is presented as a parody, having the protagonist Argus attempting to stop a bunch of self proclaimed "chosen" heroes from inadvertently causing another apocalypse with their idiotic, angst-filled, teen-aged escapades.


THE BAD

     The very first thing I noticed was that the trailer has Argus speaking, but there's no actual spoken dialogue in the game.  It's a small disappointment, but one that nagged at the back of my mind.  Then there's some very curious uses of text in game- sometimes speaking happens in text boxes, and others they have brightly colored text appearing around the screen.  It makes a little sense in a way once you figure out how it's working, but putting those into specific color coding or colored text boxes may have helped the strange way it appears.

    Zenith's game mechanics have a ton of issues.  The combat is really imbalanced and made more troublesome due to clunky controls.  The melee combat leads to taking massive amounts of damage because enemies all hit way too hard and fast, the blocks and rolls are useless against constant hordes of enemies, and health potions have an extremely long refresh times for use.  
     The skill trees has some decent things such as adding a hit to a melee combo, small increases in elemental damages, and even a node to transform the roll into a fire dash.  The problem here is that the stats are all weighted towards whatever armors you have with the highest stats- meaning weapons and spells you get aren't given damage stats- the damage is determined by the kinds of armor you are wearing.

     The music has volume control issues with it randomly being way too loud, menus need to be opened multiple times in order to actually function at times, and even enemies being stuck in geometry requiring the game to be restarted from my last save point.  There's a plethora of bothersome issues, and honestly, a patch could easily balance this up and make the mechanics of the game less frustrating.

THE GOOD

     Though, with that said, I have to say I still really, really, REALLY liked the game.  The reason I say this is what Zenith does right is with wit and humor.  That's where the real enjoyment comes from.  It's the first game in a very long time that consistently made me laugh out loud.  All the gameplay problems aside- the writing is where Zenith absolutely shines.  It provides a commentary on the genre, little nods to other things, and funny new ways to view some of pop-cultures most popular series'.
     The game has a lot of flaws but I think the writing more than makes up for it.  The game is completely loaded with references to not just games like Skyrim, Bioshock, and Metal Gear, but also the communities and mods related to them.  I mean the sheer brilliance of the "celebrity testimonials" on the website in itself is absolutely hilarious.

     Zenith may not play the best, but it definitely offers a ton of laughs and an intriguing well put together story loaded to the brim with humor, sarcasm, wit, and a dash of charm.  It gives us a kind of poor man's version of The Bard's Tale, twisting the conventions of the genre into something new and entertaining.  I would very much like to see the developers make another game with the same characters in the same universe, but with a larger budget.  This is a game with a tons of potential and could definitely benefit from more time and money to make something even greater.
     If you appreciate funny fantasy games like Dragon Fantasy Book, Dink Smallwood, or The Secret of Monkey Island- I would highly recommend you give Zenith a chance- you'll be rewarded with a surprisingly great story and a whole lot of laughs.

     Zenith on [ PS4 ] [ Steam ] [ Xbox One ]

     Infinigon games on [ Youtube ]

*Review copy provided (played on Steam), thank you!

7.08.2016

Hitman GO & Lara Croft GO Creators Parody POKEMON GO

     Square-Enix Montreal, developers of the awesome Hitman GO, Lara Croft GO, and the soon to be released Deus Ex GO, have made a wonderful little parody video of Pokemon GO in their own style.  I'm actually curious as to how one might get by the Snorlax in the back, which would presumably be an enemy or obstacle in later levels of this fake game...


    It's always fun when developers can put out small jokes at each other's expense with just sheer fun in mind.  This is a great example of it and I hope to actually see more short videos poking fun at other games from more companies.

     Once again, well done Square-Enix Montreal.  Keep up the excellent work!

     Source [ Square-Enix Montreal Twitter ]

6.02.2016

You’re All Idiots, Everything's On Fire, and Nothing Ever Changes: Yet Another Critique of Gaming Culture (GUEST POST by @Nintendo_Legend)

Idiots, all of you.

This happened weeks ago, before I wrote a blog post called I am a Hardcore Casual Gamer about the silliness of overvaluing video games (someday I’ll have the balls to write about how overvaluing any leisure activity should be a bad idea yet how doing so seems to have become the coutume du jour), before the Any Number of Currently Ongoing Gaming-Related ‘Controversies.’

I happened to eavesdrop on a few tweets exchanged, as I do. I do not even remember who the two people were. One of them had mentioned their complaint about a modern gaming industry practice that had something to do with how the product is sold to consumers. I do not remember the exact game/issue, I do not remember whether it was on-disk DLC or microtransactions or releasing a game episodically or Sony’s weird new 4.5 console or what it was, precisely, only that the original tweeter had a general “this kinda sucks” type of complaint and linked to an article.

Then came the responder, someone who multi-tweet-ranted about how the industry has become predatory with their anti-consumer practices, and has gotten “greedy” and that it’s all such B.S. and it’s so wrong and…

And, I dunno, I just kinda thought, can we unpack these ideas a little?


I am the old man who yells at clouds. Hello, clouds.

This whole buzzwordy online dialogue of the Consumer Vs. Industry idea is funny. Like, the way gamers get all pissy-whiny about this stuff (yet, lo and behold, usually end up buying the game anyway, right?) makes me wonder: If you get this way about a $60 purchase, how do you react when something goes wrong with your car? Have you ever tried to buy a house? Is this really the pinnacle of your outrage, or are you just one of those angry-all-the-time people that makes for absolutely dreadful company?

Or maybe, hey, everything else in your life is going well and the game thing is the lone thorn in your side, in that case I hear ya maybe, but that’s besides the broader point.

Can I talk about Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles II: The Arcade Game for the Nintendo Entertainment System? Some of you are likely familiar with this one.

teenage_mutant_ninja_turtles_ii_the_arcade_game_nes_box_art.png

Gosh, I loved this game.

I was already a fan of the Ninja Turtles, so this was a real treat for my boyhood self. I could choose different Turtles, roam through big 8-bit levels, and use sweet ninja attacks to dispose of familiar enemies in a relentless action fever dream.

I put so many hours into Turtles II. I played through it over and over. It was its own little Thing To Do. “Hey, let’s play Turtles II!” I played it by myself, I played it with my sister, I often played it with my mom. In fact, it was totally a source of bonding between me and mom, something we would play into long hours of the night way past when my bedtime should have been. We played it with the code, without the code -- sometimes we beat it altogether, but usually we would get to Shredder and lose all our turtles. We would fight playfully over stealing each other’s extra lives (remember when you could do that?), we would argue over which Shredder is the real Shredder, we would debate the proper pathways through the stages.

And while I have no doubt that many hours of craftsmanship were spent on the pixel art, the music, the programming, and other elements -- Turtles II is a dumb game.


Turtles II (NES) is a stupid game that I love utterly.

I mean, this was not exactly a culturally enriching experience. This was a button-masher. Every single area had the same objective: Kill every enemy on the screen, then move forward. That was it, over and over, again and again, repeated and repeated. Attack, attack, attack, maybe with some jumping and walking in between. This was a blunt-force object of a video game. This was a caveman’s club of a video game.

Yet I enjoyed it greatly. I mean, it was better than the actual Turtles arcade game, which people seem to remember with nostalgia-tinted goggles. In actuality, that thing is a quarter-chugging slog, an overly repetitive grind, as was the trend at the time (see: Simpsons, Captain America & the Avengers, X-Men, etc.). When is the last time you played the genuine Ninja Turtles arcade cabinet? It is terribly difficult, with an absurdly skewed ratio between how much damage you deal to enemies against how easily they can kill you first. The NES port is impressive enough, by managing to summon the spirit mostly (as many other 8-bit arcade conversions failed to), but even actually added content to the game that never appeared in the original cabinet.

Back in my day...

People complain about microtransactions today, but I am here to tell you: Arcades had the original microtransactions. Twenty-five cents to start playing, then again if you wanted to continue? That sounds like a microtransaction to me. Hell, in many sports games, you could get suckered into paying a whole dollar’s worth of coinage to begin -- only to discover, once the first quarter ended, you had to keep paying just to finish a single complete match. That sort of scheme has been going on for decades.

25c.jpg

The console scene was not much better, prior to the Information Age of the internet. You could waltz into a store and select a fine-lookin’ game on the shelf, only to get home and discover that it was utter garbage. I hope the place had a nice return policy, because the experiences that today we would regard as “antiquated” and “horrible” and “diarrhea” were still the same full-priced $50 and $60 packages.

Isn’t that crazy, too, how prices on a new game have remained so insanely level? No wonder companies have had to come up with ways to squeeze out extra income. If they jacked up the price of a new game to $110, it might be defensible by some measures, but gamers would riot in the streets.

I don’t mean to sound like I am completely defending The Industry, though; sure, they have their share of sins. They have shown time and time again that they clearly make bad decisions, terribly misjudge what people want, and cannot execute plans to the quality you would expect. I just think many of the people complaining about their attempts at increasing revenue may not quite understand how business works.

Components such as subscription programs and pay-to-win and all the other tricks of the trade are to be expected. Sorry, Western world, but that’s capitalism. The nature of such an economy is one that rewards selfish predators and greedy swindlers. That is the system we live in, largely. It has been that way for a while, and it is not something that will change any time soon.

Even my beloved Nintendo is guilty of some head-scratching moves. You will never convince me that “Wii U” is a good name for a gaming system, or that it makes any sense for a company that size to release a social-networking app with a broken friends list and such inefficient navigation. Nintendo, like any other organization, is comprised of human beings -- and human beings are awful.

Once you understand that human beings are generally awful, everything will make sense and nothing will ever surprise you again.


Internalize this: People suck.

Of course, this doesn’t mean we should burn every corporate executive at the stake, nor should we not have compassion on our fellow members of humanity. We sure like to jump to extreme judgements though, don’t we? It is so much easier to paint every issue in black-and-white terms, with a Good Guy and a Bad Guy. Everything is either Awesome or The Worst.

After all, in today’s Outrage Culture, we have incentivized the Hot Take. All those precious views, clicks, likes, shares, favorites, and retweets are going to go to the person with the most obnoxious voice and the loudest, most extreme opinion. What else would we react to, if not the outlier, and thus form the next link on the unending chain of the ‘conversation’ cycle?

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I am guilty of adding to the problem, sure. And many of my words here are not new insights. I just think it is disappointing to see people continue to think in these ways about their games, like everything happens in a vacuum, like the entire universe is somehow obligated to grant them some kind of sublime experience, as if they are the Glorious Exception to everyone else, chosen divinely to receive a brand of joy that nobody else deserves.

That’s another thing I want to explore further someday: This modern idea that it’s offensive and unacceptable to have to undergo any kind of struggle or hardship. That is so dumb. I will leave it at that, for now, but it is… just so dumb.

And it works both ways: You have people decrying any kind of disagreement as harassment, and then you have the kneejerk other side of the equation who think that you shouldn’t block anyone on social media who disagrees with you because “being open to opposing ideas is the only way anything changes,” and all the even-keeled rational-minded people in the middle are never paid attention to in the first place.

In fact, if you look hard enough, you may discover that gamers love self-defeating contradictions. We like to decry publishers for pushing out the same iterative titles, then turn our noses up and ridicule the result when someone really does try to do something truly different. We go insane when another delay is announced, yet complain at the same volume if a game is released unfinished. We place reviews (of video games, of all things) under the biggest, brightest, most scrutinizing microscope to make sure none of the scores are unusual (?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!), yet wonder why the ‘average’ game gets such a lofty mark.


Reviewing reviews.

Actually, let me riff on that last one, just a little bit more: Why do people care so much about review scores? More specifically, why do people read reviews with an expectation of a specific score -- then flip out if the score doesn’t match their expectation? At its simplest: How can you disagree so strongly when you have not even played the game yet?

10_out_of_10.jpg
Here’s the real kicker, for me. I suspect that, for many people, the reason they react so strongly to a perceived “poor” review is because they feel an intense fandom loyalty to a chosen game franchise. Maybe you utterly love the Uncharted games, but some jerk gave the last one only a 7.5 score and you were enraged, for example. I really think that’s the sort of thing it is, most of the time.

Then this is the catch: If you know your own tastes so well, and you know what you like, and you have an understanding of what your favorite franchise has to offer, and you can quickly identify whether or not the latest title is something you would want to purchase… then why the hell do you care so much about what exact score some rando writer gives the game?!

I am confident that nobody can give me an answer to that question that makes any sense. Let’s have some more intellectual honesty in this discussion: I’d love to hear someone say, “You’re right Eric, of course there’s not a good reason for that. I just love getting mad about stuff -- which is another behavior that I cannot explain rationally!”

And yet… slivers of optimism?

Overall, though, life is just so much more colorful and rich and complex than making every issue black-and-white, judging someone by one thing they say, or assigning an out-of-ten score to an item. We exist within a world where millions of different influences all collide with each other in every moment to affect a vast organic tapestry. Each of us makes hundreds of decisions throughout our day, and by sheer mathematics, we are likely very often choosing courses of action that are worse than an alternative. We are meat bags, filled with water, piloted by ghosts, slowly deteriorating.

You’re dumb. I’m dumb. But maybe the next time you encounter a situation or person you disagree with or dislike -- you can take a minute to actually consider your words and your reactions, you can consider the fact that being a vocal angry idiot is much worse than being an encourager elsewhere or being quiet altogether, and if we all just do that sometimes then the whole scene will be a bit less moronic.

That probably sounds like real sunshine-and-roses thinking, but here is my parting thought. No, seriously, I promise, this is my conclusion.

I used to be an angry guy. I am much less angry now. Between “angry guy” and “much less angry,” there was a lot of personal growth. Yes, people suck, but they are capable of greatness. People can be smart enough to identify specific ways they can improve, then do it to become better in their future than they were in their past. Change happens when you acknowledge a problem and take real steps to alter it.

I may not be able to convince every angry gamer to be a more constructive member of the community, but if I can be part of the impetus to get one person to grow personally, then I know it is worth it -- because it has been worth it in my own life.

Thanks for reading!


     Guest post written by Eric Bailey [ @Nintendo_Legend
          Admin of [ skirmishfrogs.com ] [ @SkirmishFrogs ]

5.15.2016

Uncharted 4 + Dark Souls 3 = Uncharted Souls

     Since I haven't done any stupid posts for a while, I decided it was about damn time.  After playing a few hours of Naughty Dog's amazing Uncharted 4: A Thief's End, I decided there were a lot of locations that reminded me of Dark Souls 3, and more so of The Elder Scrolls V: Skyrim, and I just wanted to have a little fun with that idea- so I made these!

Oh come on- I'm not even Embered!
     For the boss fog wall I wanted to make Sam look like he was a summon, but didn't have nearly enough time to do it.  But now the I think of it, I should've put in some summon signs on the floor too.  Oh well, maybe next time.

Good thing I summoned Sam. #PraiseTheSun
     I have a few more screenshots with some better ideas, but didn't have time.  I thought of tossing in some soul finds by combining the Dark Souls' items and Uncharted's notes systems into one.  There may be some crypts with Draugrs coming soon as well.

     Enjoy my stupidity.  [ For some of my old ones... ]

     #UnchartedSouls

5.09.2016

Dead Island: Retro Revenge Trailer & Thoughts

     There's a few of us looking to relive days of fun in the sun alongside a horde of beach-bodied zombies again when the Dead Island: Definitive Collection releases later this month.  As a pre-order bonus a small additional game has been made, Dead Island: Retro Revenge.  Honestly, it looks like an unimpressive endless runner/brawler combo game.  The runner portion is something I hate.  The brawler side of it though may keep me ever-so-slightly interested.


     The trailer for Retro Revenge looks funny and a bit entertaining, but I've got to say, I really, REALLY hate runner games.  I wonder why they didn't just make a traditional, old school side-scrolling beat 'em up like Streets of Rage 2 or Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time.  To me it seems like a cheap little tie in to the larger series instead a small stand alone title as a bonus.  It's a disappointment because Dead Island: Epidemic was amazing before being shut down, and Escape Dead Island had immense potential, but lacked the proper execution.  As a hardcore Dead Island fan, I'll still give it a try, who knows, I may actually enjoy playing Retro Revenge.

     It'll be great to be able to go back to the lush island paradise of the Banoi archipelago with 3 other players while awaiting more news of the long-delayed sequel Dead Island 2.

     Dead Island: Definitive Collection releases on May 31 for PC, PlayStation 4, and Xbox One.

4.27.2016

Wet Hot American Summer: Ten Years Later: Announced by Netflix!

     In a very awesome bit of news, Netflix has officially announced a follow up series to their Wet Hot American Summer: First Day of Camp, which was itself a prequel to the amazing 2001 cult comedy film set in a fictional 1981 summer camp Wet Hot American Summer.


     The Wet Hot American Summer sequel, Ten Years Later, is a take on an end of the movie segment where the group makes a promise to meet up 10 years later.  It'll be an eight episode series set to premiere in 2017 and taking place in 1991.  David Wain and Michael Showalter are both returning as writers, with Wain once again helming the director's seat.  As for the rest of the cast, we can only guess that most of the original cast will make at least an appearance as they did for First Day of Camp, as well as the possibility of many of the new faces introduced in that series.

     Perhaps we'll get to see a remake of the original film's post-credits 10 years later sequence as well...


     Source [ Deadline ]

9.23.2015

The Late Show with Stephen Colbert: Will Feature PewDiePie & Sean Murray

     CBS has been scheduling a lot of awesomeness in general for The Late Show with Stephen Colbert, but there are two upcoming guests that are notable for the gamer community.


     It's good to see the gaming community is getting more coverage after the Jimmy Kimmel poked fun at Let's Play gaming, which was handled well afterwards.  Jimmy Fallon has a week every summer dedicated to gaming, and Conan O'Brien posts his wonderful Clueless Gamer videos that are always entertaining.

On Thursday, Oct. 1: 
Stephen Colbert will have an interview with and demonstration by famed YouTuber Felix "PewDiePie" Kjellberg.  One may guess that it may have something to do with his game, Legend of the Brofist, which arrives tomorrow on iOS and Android devices.  Considering he is the first person to crack the 10 BILLION mark, this makes sense.
On Friday, Oct. 2
Following a visit from God-slash-actor Morgan Freeman, Hello Games founder Sean Murray will be visiting for an interview and demonstration, presumably for the highly anticipated upcoming No Man's Sky.
     I am particularly interested in Sean Murray's segment.  He originally caught my attention with what I believe has been the best E3 presentation speech ever at the E3 2014 Playstation Press conference.  It contained a moving sincerity that isn't seen too often in the games conferences, and was a genuine delight to watch.

     I've transcribed the speech below for those of you that might be interested, as well as included links for those that want to see it.

     Sean Murray Hello Games' Founder:
     Thank you, feeling a lot of emotions right now. 
    I'm Sean, I'm from Hello Games.  We're a tiny little indie studio.  We're a group of friends making No Man's Sky.  It's a science fiction game.  I guess inspired by the kind of sci-fi I grew up with.  The battered book covers of Heinlein, Asimov, Clarke- just worlds that I wanted to escape to but never could. 
     We've created a procedural universe, it's infinite, and it's one that everyone can share. 
     We're going to start every player on a different planet, so no two people will have the same experience. 
     This universe we've created is so vast, it's so boundless, it's actually infinite, and we don't even know what's out there.  When the game releases, every player who picks up a pad and plays is going to help us discover a little bit more... 
     ...and I can't wait. 
     I want to finish with just a tiny taste of what your own unique journey into infinity might look like.  Hope you like it.
     To see it click the video link and he starts at 1:20:00-
          Playstation E3 Pess Conference 2014 ]

     For his PS Blog post Playstation Blog ]


     The Late Show with Stephen Colbert airs Mon-Fri, 11:35 PM-12:37 AM, ET/PT

2.12.2015

Josh News: Fuck the Chikin Nugget

     Today's installment of Josh News is brought to you by a co-workers ingenious child.  They apparently REALLY hate chicken nuggets- particularly McDonald's Mc-nuggets.  The picture on the back shows where they ate.  It also shows what might be an apatosaurus or some similar creature.



     How can kids be so brilliant and hilarious?!?  I wish I could be even half as awesome as this.

4.22.2014

Game of Thrones: Jaime Lannister's Gold Hand: Meme: Masters of the Universe Jitsu


     This isn't the greatest meme I've thought of, but I knew I recognized that hand from somewhere!  Back in the 80's Masters of the Universe had a character called Jitsu with a fancy gold hand that looks vaguely familiar to a now famous Jaime Lannister's from Game of Thrones...





















4.16.2014

But What About Second Winter Part 2: Elevenses.

     Once again we Minnesotans are subjected to ridiculous weather.  We went from summer, to fall, then to winter, and spring, then winter, then spring, winter, and spring, and now we are somehow back in winter again with all the vast amount of snow Mother Nature feels like burying us in.


     Well, I made the second winter meme before it was cool, and now have made a follow up to go with the quote I was using in the first one- this time it's about Elevenses, which naturally comes after second breakfast.


     I have to say, after returning to winter once more, I am really getting sick of having to shovel my way out of the house.


2.08.2014

Pete Holmes: Ex-Men: Nightcrawler Outtakes: "You are focusing merely on my moistness."

"You are focusing merely on my moistness"



     As a long time fan of Pete Holmes I've enjoyed plenty of his work- especially his since his fat lesbian Val Kilmer days.  His Badman series for College Humor was great, but it feels a bit less than they were now that he's got his own show.  But, with his Ex-men series, he has some nice little skits going with that.  In particular I thoroughly loved the Wolverine being fired.
     But, for some reason this one, the outtakes from the Nightcrawler bit has me in tears.  No matter how many times I watch it, I still laugh until I cry.  The "You are focusing merely on my moistness" line is absolutely brilliant, and when he does the teleporting face and I lose it every time.  Maybe he should've been called Shartcrawler instead.

"Oh, Candymünschpieler!"

     Honestly, Pete Holmes and Thomas Middleditch are pure hilarity in these, and for some reason the outtakes take it to a level unmatched by most shows.  Seriously, these are better than all the movies combined.


"Ah! Now who is the moist one?"

1.25.2014

Community Season 5 & Alien: Mash-up Meme: In Space, No One Can Hear You Pop. (Magnitude)

     I've been thinking about making this since I first saw the second episode of this season's Community when Magnitude breaks a window and screams his trademark, "POP-POP!!!"  The idea just popped into my head (apologies for the pun.

     Then I went on a tangent and thought of ways to Meme other characters- like replacing Ian Holm's Ash from Alien with Richard Erdman's Leonard from Community.  They would all involve lines from both and end up with something along the lines of Ripley (Sigourney Weaver) saying, "Shut up, Leonard!"


     Who knows, if I find some down time between school and work I might make a few more of these- there's so many swaps that could be done like Dallas (Tom Skerritt)/ Jeff Winger (Joel McHale).

1.21.2014

The Hobbit: We Have a Gandalf Meme and a Reading Response

     I haven't blogged in a few days and I feel kind of bad about it.  The reason is because I'm back in school full time in addition to working 45+ hours a week in patient care.  Well, I figured I'd knock out a blog with a meme I thought of while writing a reading response to my Fantasy Literature class' first book The Hobbit.

     This is just a bit of irritation I feel at how Gandalf is used as a back door solution to EVERY problem that arises.  Clearly I'm not the best writer by any means, but you'll get the point.

     Here's the paper/response:
Joshua Barsody
Reading Response 1
     An issue of convenience.
     There is something that bothers me quite a bit about the Hobbit, and that is the problem of convenience.  Every step of the way a strange new peril arises and it's solution is so perfectly easy that it's a let down.  The peril wasn't really peril because [ fill in the blank ].  
     The first noticeable one is with the trolls encountered by Bilbo and the dwarves.  Bilbo tries to pickpocket a troll and the troll just happens to have a purse that happens to spek! (p36)  All right, a very odd occurrence in a strange land, I can accept that, but then things get better!  Gandalf arrives and saves the troup due to the stupidity of the trolls- and upon searching the trolls stash- they find two famous weapons(p42)!  Named blades, Orcrist and Glamdring, that Elrond know-it-all just happens to know on sight.  These two also happen to be recognized by goblins (later in the story), one would guess by such amazing verbal descriptions because I don't think goblins live long enough to recall something that happened "ages ago."(p52)  
     (Note: for the above, I know the weapons are named with runes, but wouldn't people name their weapons after others' famous weapons?  Perhaps, like naming a child after family or friends.  It just seems too easy for the weapons to both be singularly named and have a history known to Elrond and the goblins that probably should've been forgotten "ages ago.")
     Once again, that's not soooooo bad.  Now we get to a real whopper, the first one I rolled my eyes at.  “Moon-letters are rune-letters, but you cannot see them,’ said Elrond, ‘not when you look straight at them. They can only be seen when the moon shines behind them, and what is more, with the more cunning sort it must be a moon of the same shape and season as the day when they were written.” (p53)  Are you effin' kidding me?!?  So they just happened to not only be there looking at the map, but also in the same season, under the same shaped moon (with the map held up to it's light, instead of being read in candle light), AAAAAND also -quite conveniently- with an individual that can read them?!?  It feels so ridiculous that all that happened by sheer coincidence that it knocked me out of the story.
     "Of course it was Gandalf." (p65)
     For the biggest piece of convenience in writing- Gandalf, the get-out-of-jail-free wizard.  In most circumstances the dangers our Ereborian friends (and Bilbo) get themselves into don't feel like actual danger.  They have a wizard!  One that's power is whatever is necessary at the moment except when it's Eagles, because somehow, Eagles trump Gandalf's ace card.  And on top of that- if Elrond is Mr. Knows-it-all, then Gandalf is Mr. Knows-a-guy.  When he needs answers he knows who can.  Why aren't there unanswerable questions and mystery?  Why isn't there real danger?  Granted, there is a chance it may play to the fact that if Gandalf leaves it'll force the over-reliance on Captain Cop-out with magic to save the day to end, and make the others actually save their own butts.
     Bilbo and the gang run into trolls?  A wild Gandalf appears! (p41)  Caught by goblins and in need of saving?  Gandalf to the rescue! (p64)  Surrounded in warg territory and stuck in trees?  Gandalf is on the job... with the aid of some Eagles. (p 107)
     Gandalf, while needed for the story, is too bothersome with how often he continually saves them (and vanishes).  It is bothersome enough for me to wonder- what are the dwarves doing anyway- he's practically babysitting them, and other than Gandalf starting them all forward, none of the dwarves has really contributed to their journey in any meaningful way yet.  They are just bearded children following the fix-all grandpa Gandalf, and feel unnecessary in what should rightly be their own tale instead of a checklist of things they were saved from by Gandalf.
     So without Gandalf and all the convenient saves/problem solving the dwarves would all be dead.  Disturbing but true.

12.21.2013

Christmas Cards 2013: Black Jesus! It's Definitely Not Joseph's child!

     I already know I'll catch a lot of flack for this one- so here goes.  After seeing all this race hubbub going on about Santa and Jesus I figured might as well make a joke about it and add a touch of modern humor to the mix.  So I snagged an old Gustave Dore Nativity pic, colored it, then made it into a meme.
     I wasn't there and have no idea what went down, but I would totally laugh if one of the wise men cracked a joke like this after travelling so far.  Quite a surprise for the family of the newborn black baby Jesus!


     Besides, who gives a crap what color anyone was a couple thousand years ago- shouldn't we focus on the teachings they left behind?  To do good because it's the right thing to do?  Being a decent, generous, and caring person is more important than bickering over stupid shit any day.  Black or white, Jesus taught people to do good, and that is what should be remembered.

12.18.2013

Smoothiefreak's "Christmas Cookies for Singles"

     Someone sent me this video and it is well worth watching.  Holiday cheer and maybe some regrets and tears make for delicious treats for you and your future cats.